Another SpiderMan 2 Parody
by LargeMarge
Summary: Really, the title says it all.
1. Peter Writes a Country Song

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **So I needed some inspiration for my other fic. And I thought, hey, what better way to get me in the parodying mood than Spider-Man 2? And here it is. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I really don't own much of anything, and especially not Spider-Man 2 or any of the characters therein. I don't even own a Spider-Man comic. Plus I'm not making any money off this.

* * *

**

**Peter Writes a County Song**

Mary Jane Watson's face, approximately the size of Texas, appears on the screen. Peter Parker, who is late for work, stops to stare and muse inwardly.

"She looks at me every day. Mary Jane Watson. Oh, boy. She's so hot. Plus it looks like she's gone with a lighter shade of red for this movie." He sighs. "I wish I could have gotten a new hair color. No fair. MJ gets all the breaks."

He continues musing as he strolls leisurely to work, which he is still late for, by the way. "If she only knew how I felt about her. But she can never know, unless she's psychic and I just don't know it.

"But anyway, I made this choice once, to not go out and get drunk like other guys my age, but instead to spend all my free time saving lives and helping old ladies cross the street. And that's a life she can never be a part of, because…well, I don't really know why, but anyway. Just pretend I never said that, or it destroys the whole premise for this movie. So where was I? Oh, yeah. Spider-Man, blah blah blah, Peter Parker. And I have a job to do. Until I get fired in a little while, I mean."

Peter arrives for work.

"Parker! You're late!"

"I'm sorry. There was a…disturbance. And I always pause meaningfully before saying the word…disturbance."

"Well, knock it off! It's weird. Look, you gotta deliver these pizzas in Florida in the next seven minutes. And if you don't make it in time, you're fired!"

"But –"

"Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

* * *

Peter is on his bike weaving in and out of traffic and getting in people's way. But it's okay, because he's Spider-Man.

Random people yell at him and make rude hand gestures. Suddenly he decides the bike isn't cutting it, and he'll make it faster if he becomes his alter ego. Or maybe it was just a convenient excuse to stick some Spidey action in right at the beginning. People see him flying through the air and yell stuff like:

"Whoa! Spider-Man delivers pizzas!" and

"Why don't you wear your underwear on the outside like Superman?!"

Two suicidal kids run in front of a big ugly truck. Peter, being the hero that he is, rescues them even though it places his pizzas in peril.

"No more running in front of trucks," he tells the kids sternly. "Unless you're me, that is."

"Yes, Mr. Spider-Man."

"Well, gotta go deliver some pizzas – I mean…I'm off to save the world!"

More people yell stuff, but now it's friendly.

* * *

Peter lays the smackdown on some brooms in a closet. Ultimately, he is the victor. Which isn't saying much, 'cause they were brooms, after all.

"Pizza time," he says to a snarky gum-chewing lady.

"You're late plus you came out of the janitor's closet. That's just weird," she tells him.

"Well, pay for the pizzas anyway."

"Get out of here, kid. You're freaking me out."

Peter walks off dejectedly, wishing he'd let those kids get run over so he wouldn't have been late.

* * *

Joe yells at him for a while about not knowing the meaning of a promise. Which is ironic, see, because Peter's just been talking about that, remember? He's given up the love of his life because he made a promise to himself once…and now he's getting fired because he can't keep a promise. Oh, the irony, the angst, the –

Sorry. Ahem. Got carried away.

But anyway, then Peter begs and grovels a lot in order to keep his job. Which doesn't end up working anyway.

"You're not even worthy to wear my sticker on your little helmet thingy," Joe tells him before ripping it off. "Now get out of here. I never want to see your face in the pizza business again!"

Peter leaves, and since he's already having a bad day, he decides to make it worse by going to see Mr. Jameson.

"Parker, you're the worst photographer in the world. You're fired."

"Why?"

"Your pictures are crap. Crap crap crap. You should try selling old cheese sandwiches on Ebay. More profitable."

"I was thinking you could show the softer side of New York for a change. You know, little girls catching butterflies and children frolicking in the park and Boy Scouts helping old ladies cross the street and stuff."

"Jonah, we need a front page, like yesterday!" Robbie says.

"Parker, I don't pay you to bring in crap like that. I pay you because you're the only one in town willing to sell out that psycho Spider-Man."

"Look, I'm not giving you anymore pictures of Spider-Man, even this really great one that I brought along for no reason."

"Ooh, neato!" Mr. Jameson grabs the picture. "Well, there's your page one." He hands off the picture. "I'll give you 150."

"Two million."

"That's outrageous! How about 300?"

"Oh, fine."

Peter goes out and talks to the girl with the lipstick. "Mr. Jameson says to give me two million," he tells her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Pete," she says. "That won't cover the money I already gave you. But don't feel bad about it, because I'll pat your back and smile at you a lot. And hey, I'm one of the few girls in this movie who's shorter than you!"

This makes Peter feel better.

* * *

Any normal person would have just given up and hidden in a corner for the rest of the day, but noooooo, Peter is still torturing himself for some reason. Also, to further blur the fine line between Peter Parker and Clark Kent, he trips and drops his books and lots of people run into him, just to emphasize what a doofus he is. Plus his professor shows up.

"Hey, Dr. Connors. I'm on my way to your class! Wanna walk together?"

"Parker, I know you're a genius, but you're an idiot."

"So…you don't wanna walk together?"

"Not really, no. And by the way, your paper on fusion is late."

"Oh, that. Um…my landlord's anorexic daughter ate it."

Dr. Connors is not amused.

"I mean…I'm writing it on Otto Octavius," Peter quickly amends.

"Hmmm, he's a good friend of mine. Really, we hang out all the time. But don't be surprised if I never refer to him again, even if his wife dies and he suddenly sprouts four new limbs and tries to kill everyone in the city."

"Okay," Peter says. He is slightly confused.

"But anyway, do your research," Dr. Connors continues. "Or I'll fail you and you'll have to find some other university that lets you get this far without ever studying or doing homework."

Peter begins to grovel for the third time that day. "I'm really sorry, Dr. Connors…I'll do better, I promise."

"Good. And stop being so klutzy, will you? It gives us geniuses a bad name."

* * *

Peter rides his motorbike to Aunt May's house. He walks in and is completely surprised when everyone jumps out at him.

"Boogah boogah boogah!" Harry says, practicing for his future role as the next Green Goblin.

MJ elbows Harry to knock it off. "Surprise!"

Peter is surprised.

"Well, say something!" Aunt May says.

"Is it pizza man appreciation day _again_? Well, I've got bad news for you, in that case…"

"Peter, it's your birthday!" Aunt May gives him a big sloppy kiss.

"You live in another reality, don't you, Pete," MJ says.

"Well, it's not the best area of town, I'll admit, but I wouldn't call it _that_..."

"Hey, Pete," Harry says. "Seen Spider-Man lately? Cause you know I want to kill him. As soon as possible. Then my life will truly have meaning."

"Let's not talk about him," Aunt May says. "The angst is already emanating from Peter; we don't need Harry to start too."

"So what's going on at Oscorp?" Peter asks.

"Oh, same old same old. We're gonna make a breakthrough on fusion soon, and then I can be rich and famous, like I've always dreamed."

"Oh, that's wonderful, Harry," Aunt May says. "Your father would be so proud. If he wasn't dead, that is."

Peter looks around guiltily.

"We're funding one of your idols, Pete."

"Ooh, Justin Timberlake?"

"No, Otto Octavius."

Peter looks faintly disappointed. "Oh, him. I've gotta write a paper on him."

"Wanna meet him?"

Peter perks up. "Can I? It'd save me a lot of time researching…"

"Sure. He's gonna put Oscorp on the map in a way my father never dreamed of, and I don't just mean like he's gonna make a crater out of New York City."

"Come help me with the food, Mary Jane," Aunt May says.

"But I want to stare at Peter for a while longer," Mary Jane objects.

"You can stare at him later on the back porch."

"Oh, fine." They disappear into the kitchen.

"She's waiting for you, pal," Harry says.

"Waiting for me to what?"

"I dunno…but the way she's always standing around giving you looks…you don't owe her any money, do you?"

"Don't think so..."

"Or maybe she just wants you to ask her out."

Peter shrugs. "No time for girls."

"Why not?"

"Weren't you listening to my little monologue at the beginning of the movie? Sheesh, catch up with the rest of us here."

"Does this have anything to do with Spider-Man?"

"Stop talking about him! Everywhere I go everyone's talking about Spider-Man!"

"Then be honest with me. If you knew who he was, would you tell me?"

"Well, maybe…if he wasn't me, that is."

Harry is mad. And I don't mean in the "he's gone crazy" sense. Although that doesn't seem to be too far in the future…

* * *

Peter snoops around and finds out Aunt May is broke. She's fallen asleep on the table, so Peter wakes her up to stop her from drooling on the tablecloth.

"Mmmmmfff…what?"

"You're broke!" Peter accuses her.

"Oh well, I don't want to talk about that. Here, I'll give you twenty bucks to shut up."

"But –"

Aunt May starts yelling randomly. "Take the money or you'll regret it! Really, really, a lot! I mean it! Kids these days –" And then it's over. "Oh, I'm sorry. Don't know what came over me. Ahem. It's just that…Oh, I miss your Uncle Ben so much, especially since I'm broke. Can you believe it's been two years since he died? I wonder what I'd do if I were to face the one responsible."

"Wish him happy birthday?" Peter guesses.

Aunt May doesn't seem to be listening. "Now, you'd better take the rest of the cake home," she says.

* * *

Peter takes the garbage out, which may or may not contain the aforesaid cake. Maybe it wasn't the greatest cake in the world. And at last it seems he's finally beginning to realize that this really _is_ the crappiest day of his life.

"Hey!" It's MJ.

"Oh, you're still here. I saw your billboard."

"Yeah, I'm kind of embarrassed about that. It's so terrible to have my face up for everyone to see and fawn over...oh, who am I kidding. It rocks. And now I'm rich and famous."

"Well, at least I get to see you every day now."

"I liked seeing you tonight, Peter."

"Oh boy, yeah."

"Oh boy yeah, what?"

"Oh boy, yeah I liked seeing you tonight too."

"Do you want to say something?"

Peter is confused. "I thought I just said it."

MJ throws her hands up in disgust.

Peter tries to come up with something good to say, as she seems to be expecting more from him. "I…was…wondering if you're still on Weight Watchers. You look really good."

Mary Jane puts a hand to his face. "You're such a mystery. Peter?"

MJ's hand seems to work as a sedative, as Peter is now falling asleep. "…huh?"

"Happy birthday." She turns away and Peter begins to wake up again. "I'm seeing somebody now."

"You mean like a shrink? Not a bad idea…"

"I mean a boyfriend."

"But what about me?"

"What _about_ you?"

"When are _we_ going to get serious?"

"I have a boyfriend," she reminds him.

"Oh, right. That's good. You know, companionship."

"Maybe more than that."

"More? More than a boyfriend? You mean a girlfriend too?" Peter feels truly betrayed.

"I don't know."

"I'm going to come see your play tomorrow night."

MJ perks up momentarily. "You're coming?"

"Well, don't hold your breath."

"I might have known," MJ mutters under her breath as she storms away.

* * *

Peter walks back into the house. _If I had known the beginning of this movie was going to be so crappy, I never would have signed on for this deal, _he grouses inwardly. _I've lost my job, my good grades, my love interest, my best friend, _and_ my self respect, all on my birthday. I think I'll go write a country song.

* * *

_

Peter trudges dejectedly up the stairs to his apartment, trying to come up with the opening line of his new country song.

"Nothing rhymes with Spider-Man!" he mutters in frustration.

Suddenly a random door pops open and cigar smoke and polka music wafts out.

"Rent!" Mr. Ditkovitch calls.

Peter tries to be nonchalant. "Hi," he says casually.

"Oh yeah? What's hi? Can I spend it?"

"No. See, we use _dollars_ here," Peter explains.

Mr. Ditkovitch closes his eyes. "What I wanna know is where's my money?"

"Oh, that. Well, I have a paycheck due this week. Really. Right after I get a job. And I'm really not holding out any money to buy a ticket to a play and some flowers."

"You're a month late! Again!"

"Look, I came through for you last month, didn't I? I promise –"

"If promises were cheese wheels, my daughter would be fat!"

"Hey, you're not pinning her eating disorder on me, are you? Look, I'm really sorry. All I've got is this twenty bucks for the rest of the week –"

"Ha! I take your twenty bucks. And if you've got a minute now, I'll do my rat impression for you."

"Hmmm…impressive." Peter is more frightened than impressed, but he doesn't really want to let on. He backs slowly away.

"And don't try to sneak past me again, eh? Or I'll sic my daughter on you. She's scary. She blows things up."

"Hi, Pete!" Aforesaid daughter waves at him before randomly blowing something up.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, there you have the first installment. Like it or not? Let me know… 


	2. Otto Goes to a Toga Party

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **Wow, I'm glad the first installment was a hit. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Here we go with the second chapter…

**Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

* * *

**

**Otto Goes to a Toga Party**

"Doctor? Mr. Osborn's here," says the decorator from Trading Spaces.

"Nobel prize, Otto. Nobel prize. We'll all be rich. Bwahahahhaha!" Harry laughs maniacally.

"It's not about the prizes, Harry," Otto reprimands him.

"Oh, okay." Harry pauses to consider. "But it _is_ about the money, right? If not, my whole life is a meaningless waste."

Otto looks past him at Peter. "Who do we have here?"

"Oh, this is my good friend who I used to hang out with all the time before I became obsessed with money and killing Spider-Man. Now we only hang out when it's useful to the plot."

"Peter Parker, sir," Peter introduces himself. "I'm writing a paper on you for –"

"Yes, yes, whatever. I'm really busy now trying to blow up New York. Could you come back later?"

Harry suddenly gets a hairball.

Otto reconsiders. "But Oscorp pays the bills, so –"

"Yep. That's why I gotta go to a board meeting and make some more money. But now that I've got you two geniuses together, all's right with the world. I'll see you in Finland, Otto!"

"It's Sweden, you idiot," Otto mutters. "Interesting fellow, your friend," he says to Peter.

"He's really kind of a jerk sometimes. If he wasn't loaded, I don't think I'd even hang around him."

"I hear you. Hey, Parker, now I remember you. You're Connors' student. He tells me you're brilliant. He also tells me you're lazy."

"It's really just that I'm Spider-Man."

"There's your first problem. Stop inventing excuses. You have to work hard. Intelligence is not a privilege. It's a gift and you use it for the good of mankind. You know, with great power comes great responsibility and all that. Remember the last movie?"

"Yeah. I was in it."

"Then why am I spouting off about the last movie's moral all over again?"

"Probably for the sake of continuity," Peter explains.

Otto looks grumpy.

Peter looks around uncomfortably, then notices a huge machine off to one side. "So…is that it?"

"Yes, my design to blow up the city! Ahem. I mean to initiate and sustain fusion."

"Blah blah blah science stuff. I, Peter Parker, am an amazing genius, in case you didn't catch on yet."

"But not as smart as me! Otto Octavius is the smartest smartie-pants in the whole wide world! And I'm going to win big awards and get rich and famous and live a nice quiet life with my wife Rosie who will read me punctuation-challenged poetry."

"But are you really sure you're not going to blow the whole city up?" Peter asks, and suddenly it's two hours later and they're sitting around a table eating stuff and Rosie's there.

"Peter, what have we been talking about this whole time? This is my life's work. I certainly know that the slightest miscalculations could kill bunches of people and fuse unnatural things into my vertebra."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question you. It's a personal policy of mine never to question men with the capacity to blow entire cities up."

Otto laughs. "Rosie, our new friend thinks I'm going to blow up the city. Don't worry, Peter. You can sleep soundly tonight. I won't blow it up until tomorrow, at least."

Rosie smiles. "Otto's done his homework. Come to the demonstration tomorrow and you'll see for yourself. And _you_ need to sleep soundly tonight, Otto."

"Did I sleep before I invented aluminum foil?" Otto asks.

"You _didn't_ invent aluminum foil," Rosie reminds him.

Otto pauses to think. "Are you sure? I could have sworn I did…"

But now Peter is worried. "Did you sleep before you invented those four brain-sucking artificial limbs?" he asks nervously, suddenly concerned at the prospect of a sleep-deprived maniac inventing things.

"Aah, Rosie, I love this boy," Otto says, laughing.

Rosie, thinking that things are getting a little too friendly, changes the subject. "Peter, tell us about yourself. Do you have a _girlfriend_?"

"Well, I don't really know," Peter hedges.

"Shouldn't you know? Who would know?" Otto presses him, suddenly desperate to know if Peter is involved with anyone.

"Leave him alone. Maybe it's a secret love," Rosie says.

"Yeah," Peter says. "It's a secret love. So there!"

"Love should never be a secret," Otto says. "If you keep something as complicated as love stored up inside, your head's going to explode one day. As for Rosie, _she _finally got lucky in love."

"We _both_ did," Rosie says firmly. "But it's hardly perfect. You have to work at it. And it's not polite to try and kill the other one, either. I met him on the college steps and I knew it wasn't going to be easy. He was studying science and I was studying English literature."

"That's right. I was trying to explain the theory of relativity."

"But I ended up explaining it to him," Rosie interjected.

"And Rosie was trying to explain T.S. Elliot. I still don't understand what he was talking about."

"Yeah, me neither," Rosie says.

"T.S. Elliot is more complicated than advanced science," Otto says. "But if you want a woman to fall in love with you, feed her poetry."

"Great idea," Peter says. "Since your relationship seems so perfect, I'm going to go memorize some poetry as soon as possible."

* * *

Peter is at the laundromat, reading poetry. And muttering aloud to himself. "Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet…" The dryer dings. Peter rummages through the laundry as he pulls it out and sees that his Spiderman suit has dyed all his other clothes various colors. You'd think he'd have figured out by now how to wash the dang thing.

* * *

Mr. Ditkovitch runs out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, yelling stuff about money. Peter runs away, because the thought of facing another rat impression is too much for him.

* * *

Peter rides his little motorbike down the street on his way to Mary Jane's play. Suddenly his Spidey sense tells him that an evil car is about to run him over. He does a backflip over the top of the car and bystanders marvel.

"How'd you do that?" a kid asks.

"Uh…well, this spider bit me, and then I got sick for a little while, and then my muscles bulged out and I didn't need my glasses anymore, and then…" Peter trails off as he notices the kid giving him a funny look. "What I mean is work out, get plenty of rest, and always eat your spinach."

"That's what my mom is always saying! I just never actually believed her!"

"Uh…yeah. It's really true. Well…gotta go."

Then he runs off to play Spider-Man for a little while. Because as we all know, other people's lives are much more important than Mary Jane's little play.

* * *

Mary Jane looks down from the stage and sees an empty seat. Somehow, intuitively, she _knows_ that that is Peter's seat, because there's no way he'd be sitting further back in the darkened theater where she couldn't see him.

* * *

Peter saves the day and puts the bad guys out of commission, but arrives late for the play. The usher won't let him in.

"Please, please, please!" Peter begs. "If you don't let me in MJ will hate me for most of the rest of the movie! I just don't think I can take that!"

"Too bad, kid. You're late, and no one's getting in. Unless you can do a good rat impression."

Peter walks away dejectedly, wishing he'd let those bad guys gun down whoever they wanted so he wouldn't have been late for the play.

* * *

Finally the play gets out and MJ emerges. Only Peter's too chicken to talk to her, so he watches while she makes out with another guy. Then he sees some police cars and decides defeating bad guys will have to do for making him feel better instead.

Peter runs off and does his Superman impression, ripping open his shirt to reveal his Spidey costume underneath. Then he chases after the police cars for a while until suddenly his web fails in midair. He falls hundreds of feet and crashes into a bunch of smoking pipes.

Half the audience gets up. "Well, he's dead. Kind of a dumb way to end a movie, but…"

Then Peter starts moving again, so apparently he's not dead. The audience sits down again, looking rather confused.

Peter takes the elevator and a man gets on with his dog.

"Hey, nice Spidey suit. Where'd you get it?"

"Uh…made it," Peter mumbles. The guy gives him a funny look, so he feels compelled to continue. "I knew when I took home ec in high school it would come in handy sometime."

"How come your jaw doesn't move when you talk?" the guy asks curiously. "Did you make it so tight you can't move your jaw? Or do you just think it looks cooler if your jaw's totally stationary?"

Peter shrugs. "I'm not allowed to move my jaw when I'm in the spidey suit," he admits.

There's a bit of a pause.

"It's a little itchy too," Peter feels compelled to confide. "Especially when I bend over –"

The elevator dings and the man runs away, dragging his dog with him.

* * *

Peter calls MJ to explain why he missed her play.

"Hi, it's me. Sing a song at the beep. Or you could just leave me a message," MJ's answering machine says.

"Hi, MJ. This is Peter. I was on my way to your show last night and these crazy men with sawed off shotguns ran over my bike and tried to kill me. I really was planning on it all day. And I know you predicted I'd disappoint you."

"Like that's an excuse for missing _my_ play," MJ mutters to herself.

"It's amazing, isn't it? How complicated a simple thing like being someplace at eight o'clock can become? Especially when there's men with shotguns chasing you…actually, there was this obnoxious usher. Somebody _has_ to talk to that usher –"

"Your time has expired. Please deposit fifty cents for the next five minutes."

Peter looks desperately through his pockets but is, of course, broke. He continues speaking into the receiver anyway. "I want to tell you the truth. Here it is. I'm a superhero. Weird, huh. I was surprised when I found out too. Now you know why I can't be with you, because even though we're madly in love with each other, I would never have time for you because I'd always be off saving people's lives. And you'd just have to get used to the fact that I may never see your stupid plays or talk to you, other than when I'm staring at your Texas-sized face on a billboard every now and then. I wish I could tell you how I feel about you."

"Who is this?"

"Gak!" Peter drops the phone, then picks it up and tentatively holds it to his ear. "H-hello? Mary Jane?"

"This is the operator," a female voice snaps. "Get off this line or I'm calling the cops." Peter hangs up and then runs away.

* * *

Peter and Harry and bunch of big important people are gathered around Otto and Rosie.

"Ladies and gentleman, my wife Rosie and I would like to welcome you this afternoon. But first, before we start, I'd like to tell you a few stupid jokes to get you to all loosen up a little. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Everyone looks at each other, momentarily confused.

"To get to the other side!" Otto says, before busting out laughing.

Peter leans closer to Harry and whispers, "Where did you _find _this guy?"

"Have you heard the one about the jump rope?"

"That's enough, Otto," Rosie says in a warning voice.

"Oh, skip it," Otto gasps, tears running down his cheeks. "Wait, I've got another one!"

Finally they get him to shut up.

"Well, anyway. Now that you're all loosened up, let's get on to the real entertainment of me trying to blow you all up. No, just kidding. That's another joke. Really.

"So, these are my assistants, these freaky arm things which I _promise _will not take over my body in only a few minutes. Plus they're really super-smart. Now we're gonna make fusion. Ready?"

"But doctor, if the artificial intelligence in the arms is as advanced as you suggest, couldn't they take over your brain and make you do lots of bad stuff like robbing banks and kidnapping actresses?" asks some random press person.

Otto laughs. "Ahh, but you're forgetting that I'm the smartest smartie-pants in the whole wide world! Haven't we been over that already? See this chip back here? It means that _I'm_ in charge, not them. And there's no way, _no way_ this chip could ever be knocked loose. Well, probably not."

Everyone looks rather uneasy.

"Now, we're gonna use precious tritium to make this work, and thanks to Harry Osborn for being such a megalomaniac. Without him this wouldn't have been possible."

"Happy to pay the bills, Otto, as long as it makes me rich and famous and we get to go to Finland later on," Harry calls out.

"It's _Sweden,_ you idiot," Otto mutters. "Ahem. Well, like I was saying, here we go, so everyone fasten your seat belts."

Everyone looks around, only to discover there _are_ no seat belts. They look a little more uneasy.

The Trading Spaces decorator speaks up. "Doctor, we have a successful fusion."

Everyone claps and Harry's eyes glint with dollar signs.

"The power of the sun in the palm of my hand!" Otto yells. "Bwahahaha!"

"And he thinks _I'm_ a megalomaniac?" Harry mutters.

Suddenly the walls and lights start bending toward the fusion thingy. People's jewelry flies off and fillings start flying out of their teeth. Some random unlucky person with a metal rod in their leg flies into the fusion…thingy.

"Keep calm!" Otto yells. "It's just a spike! It'll go away, more than likely! Well, probably."

Peter runs off to switch to his alter ego.

"Ladies and gentlemen, get the heck out of here before you all die!" someone yells.

"We have a containment breach!"

"Turn it off, Otto! Shut it off! I'm too young to die! I've still never been to Finland!" Harry screams.

"It will stabilize! It's under control! I'm really not in denial!" Otto yells as random things swirl past him.

"But I'm the one in charge here, Mr. Smartie-pants!" Harry shrieks. "It's my money! If you don't like it, you can just hand that tritium back over right now! Well, let's have it!"

Some random object comes flying at Harry and Peter (as Spider-Man) rushes in to save him.

"Ewww, I have Spider-Man cooties!" Harry squeals. "This doesn't change anything, because I still want to kill you as soon as possible! But first, go stop that madman. Then I'll kill you."

Peter swings over to pull the plug which is _really_ dang well stuck in there.

"What are you doing?" Otto screams, because for some reason it's not obvious that a person pulling on a plug for all his life might be trying to…unplug it.

"Pulling the plug!" Peter yells.

"Nooooooooo!" Otto lays the smackdown on Peter.

The windows break in and just like that…squish…Rosie's dead.

"Rosie!" The inhibitor chip breaks and Otto gets electrocuted or something equally scary.

Peter pulls the plug, then runs away so Harry won't kill him.

Outside the building, random people talk. "That was too close."

"Yeah, he nearly killed us all!"

"I'm ruined!" Harry laments. "I have no one left to live for now except Spider-Man!"

"Really," says one of his aides. "I didn't know you felt _that_ way about him…"

"Not like _that!_" Harry says, and he's mad. Borderline crazy, too. "He gave me cooties. I'm going to make destroying him my new obsession."

"Seems like a good idea," says his aide. "Well, in the meantime we better get out of here before the press shows up."

"I'm coming. But what was Spiderman doing here, anyway? And why are he and Peter never around at the same time…"

Dun dun dun!

* * *

In the darkest operating room in New York, Otto is about to be operated on.

"As you can see, the idiot stuck a bunch of metal pins into his spinal column, and now they've all melted and fused together. So now we've got to cut all this stuff off. And maybe do a laminectomy and some other big medical words."

"We're ready, doctor."

The team gathers around Otto.

"Anybody here take shop class?" the doctor jokes.

Everyone laughs uneasily. _We're all gonna die, aren't we_, they're thinking to themselves.

Otto attacks and kills everyone, then runs off wearing a bed sheet. On his way to a toga party, more than likely.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Well, that's it. I don't know why, but for some reason Otto's assistant reminded me of that guy off Trading Spaces. You like? Review! You hate? Go read something else. Till next time… 


	3. By the Way, Peter's Life is Really Crapp...

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **Thanks again to everyone who's reviewing. It really makes writing worthwhile. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

* * *

**

**By the Way, Peter's Life is Really Crappy**

Over at the newspaper, Mr. Jameson's discussing important stuff with his assistants.

"It's all over town, Robbie. This whacked out scientist guy turns himself into some kind of monster. Hoffman! What should we call him?"

"Otto Octavius?"

"I meant besides that."

"Oh. Dr. Octopus?"

"That's crap."

"Eight-limbed mad scientist?"

"Crap. Wait, I got it. Dr. Octopus."

"Didn't I just say that?"

"What do you think I am, an idiot? _I _just said it."

"Oh, right. In that case, I like it."

"Of course you do. Because I'm a genius and you're an idiot!"

"Right," Hoffman confirms.

"Now get out so I can bask in my brilliance for a while," Jonah orders. Hoffman disappears to somewhere, but the girl with the lipstick suddenly shows up with Peter in tow.

"Chief, here's Parker," she says, like it isn't already obvious.

"Where you been? I've been trying to get ahold of you all day! See, there's this party I wanted to invite you to –"

"Really?" Peter asks, excited.

Jameson cracks up laughing. "Nah. I just wanted to see what you'd do. But I do need you to take some pictures of this bash for my world-famous astronaut son."

"Could you give me some money now? I blew everything I had on this lousy play I never got to…" Peter begins to ask, but is interrupted.

"No, I won't, because you're pathetic and you're not even as good-looking as my son the astronaut."

Peter pouts. "Okay, but I heard his ears stick out."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. The planetarium, tomorrow night, eight o'clock."

* * *

Down at some random old crumbly warehouse on the waterfront, Otto is musing aloud to himself.

"Rosie. Dead. Dream. Dead. Why. Can't. I. Finish. A. Sentence. Gak! My mind is being taken over by savage brain-sucking parasites! Oh wait, it's just the smart arms taking over my body. I know! I'll rebuild! I bet this time it'll really work. At least that's how I'll rationalize it so there'll be a plot for the rest of the movie. And to finance it, I'll rob a bank! I know I'm not a criminal, but the real crime would be to lose the chance to dangle Harry off the top of a really tall building. Tragedy to pass that up, really."

* * *

Peter and Aunt May, very _very_ conveniently, are at the bank begging for money.

"Here's the Social Security," Aunt May says.

"And my Uncle Ben's life insurance."

The loan officer looks it over. "You know, you really should have insured him for a bit more, especially considering the number of carjackings in New York. You were asking for trouble, really."

Aunt May kicks him under the table.

"Ow!"

She is immediately apologetic. "Oh, I'm so sorry…I thought I was kicking Peter. Really."

"You're not supposed to kick me until I say the thing about the _piano_!" Peter reminds her in a whisper.

Aunt May shushes him.

"Well, anyway, it's not gonna cut it," the loan guy says, giving Aunt May a dirty look.

"But I also have an old Schwinn ten-speed," Aunt May interjects.

"Yeah, and I'm giving tuba lessons," Peter offers.

"Well, that's nice, but still no money. And by the way, in case you didn't get it, I'm a real jerk."

"We got it." Aunt May glares at him. "I bet you're not even going to give us our free toaster."

"Nope, no toaster. I can make you a piece of toast, though. See, I keep a toaster right here under my desk." He pulls it out. "Beauty, isn't she? All shiny and metal looking…I can see my face in her."

"Her? Your toaster's a…girl?" Aunt May asks.

He smiles. "Yeah. I call her…Melanie."

Suddenly Otto strolls into the bank in his bank robber uniform and rips the vault open.

"Oh my goodness! You're being robbed!" Aunt May squeals. While the loan officer is distracted, she grabs the toaster and stuffs it in her purse. Peter, meanwhile, runs off.

"Hey, you know what I just noticed?" the loan officer says to Aunt May while they cower in fear on the floor. "Your kid's a pathetic wimp."

"You know, I never noticed before, but I think you're right."

Some policeman or security guard or something runs in. "Put your arms up! I'm going to take you with nothing but this gun, despite the fact that you killed everyone in one operating room armed with nothing but…arms."

Otto throws the policeman and his friends around a little bit. Then Peter shows up (as Spiderman) so things get more exciting.

Peter and Otto exchange bags of money back and forth, alternately getting beaned and beaning each other with them. People crouching on the floor grab the falling money and stuff it in their pockets, but Aunt May goes around whacking them with her umbrella until they give it to her.

Oh, yeah, and in the middle of it all poor, poor Peter's web-slinging abilities suddenly fail, but then they come back again, so it's all right.

Ock (aka Otto) tries to turn Peter's head into a croquet ball, but when that doesn't work, he decides to grab Aunt May and climb the side of a building instead. Yet another evil villain with a radar for Spiderman's friends and family.

Inside the building, random people are hard at work. A reject from the movie Scream goes to the window to see why it sounds like there's an eight-limbed maniac climbing the side of the building.

Go figure. There really _is_ an eight-limbed maniac climbing the side of the building.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" The Scream reject goes running and screaming into the camera. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" She screams again for a while until someone makes her shut up.

"How was I? Was I good?" she asks as she is being dragged away by security guards.

Ock and Peter fight on the side of the building.

"Hand her over, Ock!" Peter calls in a commanding and manly voice. His jaw doesn't move.

Ock holds a few of his hands up. "Oh, well, you got me. I admit, I'm just not good enough for the all-powerful Spiderman. Here, you can have her."

Peter is apparently gullible enough to believe him. "Oh, good. Say, after you hand her over, you wanna go get a pizza or something? Maybe a couple drinks? I mean, maybe talk over the whole accidentally-killing-your-wife thing?"

At the last moment, Ock drops her. "Oops, butterfingers."

Peter pauses. "Where? Do you have some in your pocket? I love chocolate…"

"Hey! Down here! Help me!" Aunt May screams while falling to her death.

"Oh, yeah." Peter pauses to shake his finger under Ock's nose. "Hah! I see your evil plan now, Ock! You were trying to distract me with chocolate! Well, it won't work! I won't be distracted! I'm Spiderman! I'm the defender of all things good and upstanding! I'm –"

"Heeeeeeeeeelp!" Aunt May screams, moments from becoming sidewalk pulp.

"Oh, oops." Peter makes a wild dive for Aunt May. "I'm coming! Hang on!" He miraculously rescues her inches from death and they go flying back in the opposite direction. "I'm sorry!" He yells to her as they fly through the air. "It's just that he's trying to confuse me by talking about chocolate –"

Peter gets smacked into a building across the street, and Aunt May talks to a gargoyle.

"So, how's it going?" she asks it nonchalantly, while standing on a small ledge. "Get many visitors up here? I wouldn't think so, but you never know these days, especially with all these random superheroes and evil villains taking over the city –"

Suddenly she's grabbed by Ock and screams a lot.

"Ha! Now you're gonna have this old lady's death on your conscience, because I'm going to drop her, and there's no way you can save her again, like you just saved her about ten seconds ago! So whaddya think about _that_? Huh?" Ock yells at him.

Peter uses his web to shoot himself across the street directly into Ock's pointy knife thingy.

"Shame on you!" Aunt May says to Ock, because apparently she was expecting much more upstanding behavior from the evil villain who was trying to kill her. Then she whacks him with her umbrella.

Aunt May gets dropped again, but this time there's no mention of any chocolate, so Peter immediately goes diving after her and saves her life. Again. And instead of swinging back up to wrestle with Ock a little bit more, this time Peter swings away and puts Aunt May back on solid ground again.

"There you go, you random old lady who I've never met in my life and I'm definitely not related to," he says, trying to be nonchalant.

"Have we met?" she asks suspiciously, looking closely at his Spiderman mask. Maybe she recognizes the stitch work.

Peter averts his face. "Nope. Huh-uh."

"Oh. Well, thank you. You know, I may have been wrong about you. I thought you were kind of a creep because you killed Harry Osborn's father."

"Uh…Osborn?" Peter repeats. "Um….no comprendo."

"Oh. Well…weird," Aunt May says, turning away.

Peter tries to save the situation. "We showed _him_, didn't we?"

Aunt May whips around. "Whaddya mean _we_?" she asks forcefully.

He considers. "Oh, you're right. I guess I _did_ do all of the work, didn't I. You just kind of got thrown around a lot and talked to gargoyles."

"What!" She seems insulted. "_I'm_ the one who whacked him with my umbrella! If it weren't for _me, _you'd be superhero shish kebob!"

"Oh. Well then. Thanks a lot, random old lady, for saving my life. Better go now."

Bunches of girls run after Peter as he swings away, screaming stuff about autographs and blind dates.

* * *

At the big planetarium party for Mr. Jameson's famous astronaut son, Peter is trying to get pictures, but no one will hold still for ten minutes together so he can snap the shot. So instead he chases after refreshment trays. Bet he'd have more luck if he were in his Spidey suit.

Over at the bar Harry is getting drunk, so Peter goes over to counsel him on the evils of the demon liquor. "Hey, take it easy, buddy. Next thing you know, you'll be living in an alley drinking out of a paper sack and waiting for your liver to explode."

"You'd be getting drunk too if the bug had touched you. It was horrible."

"Stop calling him a bug! He's an _arachnid!_"

"Peter, I have nothing left to live for! Nothing but…_killing Spiderman!_ He's my new obsession."

"Parker! Come over here so I can treat you like crap and further humiliate you!" Mr. Jameson yells.

Peter drags over and takes a bunch of pictures while Mr. Jameson acts like an idiot.

Suddenly a lady gets up and starts to say important stuff. "Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. The Big-Time Science Committee of New York is pleased to be honoring the first man to play strip poker on the moon. The delicious, the luscious, the delectable Captain Jon Jameson!"

_What is he, a piece of cake?_ Peter wonders to himself. _Ooh, cake..._

The astronaut guy descends the stairs with Mary Jane on his arm.

Peter feels like he's been kicked in the stomach. Then he realizes it's just Mr. Jameson elbowing him to take some more pictures.

* * *

After a while Peter decides to go break the ice with MJ.

"Hey. I saw you come in with the astronaut guy. So he must be the boyfriend you were telling me about. Now who's the girlfriend?"

Mary Jane turns around. "Oh, it's you."

Peter decides it might be a good time to get the apology over with. "Listen, I'm really sorry I missed your play the other day. But there was a…disturbance."

"I don't know you. The old Peter Parker never would have been late for my play."

"Really," half the audience wonders aloud. "Was she even paying attention in the last movie?"

Peter is suddenly desperate. "I've been reading poetry lately," he reveals. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways –"

"Stow it," MJ says shortly. "Poetry bites."

Peter tries again. "Can I get you drunk?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean can I get you a drink."

"I'm with Jon. He'll get me drunk. I mean my drink."

"Jon," Peter says glumly. "You know that's also another name for the toilet, don't you? Don't you think that indicates anything about your little boyfriend?"

Mary Jane advances on him furiously. "By the way, _Jon_ has seen my show 52 times! Harry has seen it 12. Aunt May saw it, even though everybody knows she's broke. My sick mother got out of bed to see it and spewed chunks on the entire third row. Even my father. He held up a bank just to be able to afford it." MJ wipes at an imaginary tear and continues.

"But Peter Parker, my bestest best friend in the whole wide world can't make an eight o'clock curtain _just_ because of some pesky men with sawed off shotguns! Give me a break! After all these years you're nothing to me but an empty seat!"

Peter holds up a hand. "Whaddya mean, all these years? I think you got me confused with some other picture taker. You didn't even acknowledge my existence until the end of high school!"

MJ pauses for a minute, thinking. "Oh yeah, you're right," she concedes. "I guess I did kind of ignore you for like the last 15 years."

"Plus whenever we see each other now it's just so you can yell at me," Peter continues. "So honestly, I'm not really feeling that close right now. The only reason I'm still hanging around is because you're so hot."

MJ shakes her finger under his nose. "Just so _you_ understand, I'm _not_ happy." She stalks away, leaving a forlorn looking Peter behind.

So that the audience doesn't get confused and think that things might actually be going well for Peter, Harry comes up to say he hates him too.

"I hate you too, because you're more loyal to Spiderman than you are to your best friend," Harry says, poking Peter violently in the chest.

Peter holds up his hands. "Okay, now wait just a minute. First Mary Jane and now you. Where do you guys get off thinking you can treat me like crap and still call me your best friend? You know, I've got a half a mind to –"

Harry advances on him furiously. "I find that stupid wall crawler with my father's body and you defend him because he makes you peanut butter sandwiches." Harry pauses, looking a little confused, then regains his train of though. "I mean…because he's your bread and butter."

"Whoa, take it easy," says Peter. "Spiderman doesn't even like peanut butter –"

"Oh, so you've been having lunch together!" Harry says angrily. "I suppose now _he's_ your best friend!"

"Actually, he likes cake," Peter continues. "Chocolate cake."

"Don't act like you're my friend," Harry says. "You stole MJ from me!"

"Hey, look around," Peter says. "_I'm_ not the one that came in with MJ tonight. You're not pinning this one on me."

"And you know what else? You stole my father's love! Then you let him die because you didn't turn in the freaky freak."

"Hey, I didn't want to turn your father in, even if he _was _the green goblin, I couldn't do that to you –"

Harry is giving Peter a strange look.

"I mean…" Peter continues, "…oh, were you talking about Spiderman?"

"Don't play dumb with me," Harry says. "We're not friends anymore. See?"

Harry slaps Peter across the face a few times to make his point and people stop to gawk.

Harry runs off to get more drunk.

In the movie theater, people whisper amongst themselves. "Wow, things can't get much worse for Peter, can they."

Just so people in the audience are clear that things _can_ get worse, the guy with the big ears gets up to make an announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, I want you all to know that Miss Mary Jane Watson has just agreed to marry me, and she said she doesn't love you at all, Peter Parker, so _there_!"

People at the party ooh and aah.

Peter looks devastated, because he's just realized he's going to have to buy another ticket to that play just to get MJ to like him again. And he'd probably have to go get a real job, too. Man, life stinks.

* * *

After the party, Depressed Peter is swinging through the city, and suddenly his web fails again. He falls, like, hundreds of feet into an alley. This time the audience doesn't get up to leave, because they've realized that Peter has somehow gained all the abilities of the Indestructible Man and you can't kill him no matter what happens to him. Maybe he has an exoskeleton. But that would be fairly obvious, don't you think. Anyway.

So then Peter is kind of bored, so he decides to read the paper for a while. He's reading an article about a baby with two heads when he realizes it's a little blurry. _Boy, good thing I kept my old glasses around,_ he thinks to himself. _And I'll just bet you my prescription hasn't changed any. Not with my incredible luck._

Even though technically Peter's luck isn't really that great, the audience is just betting on the same thing.

* * *

Down at the random crumbly old warehouse, Otto is smoking a cigar. Oh, and building the Large Machine of Death.

* * *

**Author's Note: **My sincere apologies to anybody named Jon who feels maligned by my toilet reference. Really, I think Jon is a lovely name. Oh, and does anyone else remember that movie the Indestructible Man? I loved that movie when I was a kid!

Do you really need the review reminder at the end of every fanfic? Well, anyway, here it is again: Review!


	4. Of Mentos and Chocolate Cake

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **Many thanks to kind reviewers. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: In the first chapter. Oh, and I suppose I should clarify that I don't own Mentos, I only eat 'em. Thanks.

* * *

**

**Of Mentos and Chocolate Cake**

Peter goes to the doctor to find out what's wrong with his web-slinging abilities.

"You know what, kid, I think you're fine. It's all in your head. You having bad dreams or something?"

"Aah…well, there is this one dream where…in my dream…I'm Spider-Man. I'm really not making this up."

"Oh, I believe you," says the doctor.

"Good. So like I was saying, I'm Spider-Man, but I'm losing my powers. In my dream."

"Got it. It's a dream."

"Well, not even really my dream. It's my mailman's dream."

"Really. How believable," says the doctor.

"Yeah. So what's wrong with me?"

"Other than the obvious?" the doctor asks. "I mean…well, since I moonlight as a psychiatrist, let me give you some wise, wise advice. Stop being Spider-Man."

"You think so?" Peter asks.

"Well, I tossed a coin first, but that's what I came up with…"

* * *

Peter sits on his bed and muses for a while.

"I have a choice. Who knew?" he ponders aloud to himself.

**Part One of Return of the Dead Guys begins:**

"Peeeeteeeeer…"

"Who's there? Who is it?" Peter asks, frightened.

"Peeeeteeeer…"

"Uncle Ben? I thought you were dead!"

"I am. But I'm inside your head now, see? So we can have this little chat and maybe I can make you feel a little guilty and angsty."

"Oh, okay."

"You're making me sad, Peter, because you're thinking about dropping your little Spider-Man masquerade."

"But don't you get it, Uncle Ben? I'm in love with Mary Jane."

"I know, but what's that got to do with anything? Being Spider-Man is way cooler than being with Mary Jane."

"I know, but…"

"Peter, I taught you to do good stuff growing up, and now you want to throw that all away?"

"Look, I'm not doing what you want anymore. This is my life, so I'm gonna go out and get drunk and sleep around like all the other guys my age."

"Well, do whatever you want. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility."

"Yeah, I _know_. I was in the first movie, remember!"

"I was just reminding you, okay? Here, take my hand, son."

"Ewww, gross! You've been dead for like two years! No way."

"Come on, Peter…"

"No. Somehow taking your hand is symbolic of continuing to be Spider-Man. And I'm not gonna be Spider-Man no more, no way, no matter what you say. Now get out of my head."

Symbolic lightning flashes. Peter throws out the Spidey suit.

* * *

Peter walks around being cheerful and lighthearted and mostly succeeds in looking like he's doing a Mentos commercial.

At Mary Jane's play random actors act, and Peter makes eye contact with Mary Jane. She forgets her lines and starts to ad-lib her favorite scene from _Titanic_. Which most of the audience never notices anyway, since they're asleep.

Afterwards, they walk and chat.

"Wow, Mary Jane. You're the best actress in the whole wide world!"

"I know. But why didn't you tell me you were coming so that I could have yelled at you some more?"

"I was afraid of you."

"You look different," she observes.

"It's the glasses. Plus I'm not wearing the Spidey suit underneath my clothes anymore, so I'm probably looking leaner. Hey, you want some chow mein?"

"Peter, I'm getting married! We can't possibly have chow mein together! Think how it would look!"

"Maybe if we got takeout –"

MJ gives him a look.

"I always imagined you getting married on a hilltop," Peter muses.

"Who's the groom?"

"You hadn't decided yet. It was between me and a handsome Spanish monk."

"Ha! I see your plan. You're trying to confuse me so I'll think I'm not marrying the right guy! Well, it won't work! I'm too smart for that."

Peter holds out his hands. "But what about the Spanish monk? He was really handsome."

"You think just because you saw my play you can talk me out of getting married?"

"Well…_yeah_. Duh! Why else would I be here?"

"It's not gonna work, no matter how nice you are. In fact, I find any mention of a desire to marry me rather disgusting and insulting." She pauses. "Oh, wait."

Peter tries again. "Look, you once told me you loved me. Even though you were probably drunk at the time, I feel I should tell you something. I thought for a while that I had to save the world. And now I've decided to heck with the world! If people want to die in raging apartment fires, that's their prerogative! Who am I to try and stop them! If an evil green goblin guy wants to send a car full of grade school kids plummeting to the earth, who am I to stand in the way of his freedom of choice?"

"You're too late," MJ says shortly.

"Oh, c'mon," Peter says. "Just think about it."

"Think about what?"

"Picking up where we left off!"

"Well, okay."

"But mostly, think about what a good kisser I am."

"I have to go, and just so you know, I'm getting married in a church on a hill. So it's kind of like your dream." She pauses just before getting into the taxi she's just stopped. "And by the way, you are kinda different. You look a little less depressed than usual."

Coming from MJ, Peter takes that as a compliment.

* * *

Back at the newspaper again, Mr. Jameson's on the phone arguing with his wife. "Look, it's just a wedding! What do we need food for? Fine! Then what's wrong with those little bags of airplane peanuts? And there's bound to be a drinking fountain _somewhere _nearby!"

A garbage man comes in with Peter's Spider-Man suit. "I want a million bucks!"

Jameson looks it over. "He must have given up! Finally I've driven him to his knees! At last I've achieved my purpose in life! Now I can truly be at peace!"

"Now what about my million bucks?" the garbage man asks.

"I'll give you fifty dollars," Mr. Jameson responds.

"Fifty? I could get more than that on E-bay."

Mr. Jameson gives him a look. "As if. It's not like this is an old cheese sandwich or anything."

"Fine, I'm going." The man makes a move to leave.

"All right, a hundred. You, the girl with the lipstick. Yeah, you. Give this man his money and throw in a grilled cheese sandwich so he can start making real money."

"Okay, but your wife is still on the phone."

Mr. Jameson grabs at the phone. "Hey, what's up? Oh, flowers? Two words: Memorial Day. Do a cemetery drive-by. Okay, gotta go write a big important story about how I single-handedly rid the world of Spider-Man. Go me!"

* * *

Peter walks down the sidewalk, looking Clark Kent-ish. Girls look at him and whisper, probably because he's got a sign on his back or his underwear's sticking out of his pants or something.

Down in an alley some kid's getting the crap beat out of him. Peter stops to gawk for a while, then moves on. Good thing this isn't Seinfeld, or Peter could be facing his first prison sentence.

* * *

Apparently some time has passed now, and Peter and Aunt May are at Uncle Ben's grave. _Wonder if I should bring up that little conversation me and Uncle Ben had a little while ago, _Peter wonders to himself, but ultimately decides against it. He doesn't want to sound crazy, after all.

"It wasn't fair of him to die like that, right when we were broke," Aunt May muses aloud. "It's all my fault."

"Well, that's true," Peter responds. "You could have gotten a job or something…"

"No, not the being broke part," she interjects. "I meant it's my fault he's dead."

"Oh, right," says Peter, though he has no idea how she's come to that conclusion.

Later they sit around the kitchen table looking all broody. Peter decides to spill the beans.

"Aunt May, I have a confession to make. It was really all my fault that Uncle Ben died."

"No, it wasn't. It was mine. If we had moved to Phoenix all those years ago like he wanted, he wouldn't have been anywhere near the carjacker that day. But _noooo_, I wanted to stay in New York. What was I thinking?"

"Phoenix?" Peter is distracted, but only for a moment. "No, look, it really is all my fault. See, I lied about going to the library. I wanted to get a car to impress MJ. So I –"

"Wait a minute." Aunt May stops him with a trembling hand. "Ben was killed by a carjacker. And you wanted a car…Peter, you killed your own uncle!"

"What?" Peter folds his arms. "Why would I want _his_ car? It was a piece of crap!"

"Oh." Aunt May sits back. "Then whose car did you steal?"

"I didn't steal any car!"

"Well, what the heck are you going on about, then?" she yells at him.

"Oh, here. Read the script for yourself." He throws the script at her and stalks angrily around the kitchen for a while.

When Aunt May finishes reading she looks up at him with a horrified expression.

"I'm really sorry, Aunt May. I've tried to tell you so many times – well, not really, I haven't. I wouldn't even have told you now, only everything is going better in my life now that I got a spot on that Mentos commercial –"

Aunt May jumps up from the table and runs up the stairs. "I'll never forgive you, Peter Parker! Never!"

Peter continues to sit at the table, looking all sad and pitiful. Young girls in the audience reach for their hankies.

* * *

In other news, over in the random crumbly building, Otto continues to build his fusion thingy. Apparently he's used the money he stole to buy all the stuff he needs to make this thing. Strange, really, how he seems to have gotten all of his supplies so easily. You'd think store clerks would remember ringing up an eight-limbed mad scientist .

Suddenly, Ock chuckles with glee. "All right! Time to go dangle Harry off a building like I've been looking forward to for most of the movie!"

The audience sits forward in anticipation.

* * *

At the Osborn mansion, Harry's getting drunk and obsessing over Spider-Man, even though his butler tries to set him right.

"You're an obsessive alcoholic," he informs Harry.

"I am not obsessive!" Harry shouts.

The butler leaves because Harry is fondling his knife in an alarming fashion.

Suddenly the sound of an eight-limbed maniac climbing the side of a building reaches his ears. So of course Harry goes to take a look over the side.

Otto knocks him around a little bit, just as a prelude to hanging him over the side of the building.

"Hey, Harry, how's it going?" Otto greets him. "Guess what I've been up to?"

"Look, I'm not giving you any more tritium, even if you promise to take me to Finland," Harry informs him.

"Not even if I dangle you over the side of this building?"

"Well, okay, maybe then. But only if you kill Spider-Man. And promise to make it slow and painful, okay? Wait, on second thought, bring him here. I'll do him in myself."

"Even though I could just drop you over the side of this building right now if you don't get me the tritium, for the sake of the plot I'll play along. So where do I find this…Spider-Man?"

"Peter Parker."

"Parker? Is he the kid I talked into reading poetry? Man, that was so funny. I think he actually believed me. Like poetry ever works…" Otto laughs for a while.

"So anyway, Peter will tell you were Spider-Man is, because they eat peanut butter sandwiches together. Or maybe it was chocolate cake…"

"Have it ready!" Otto yells as he dives over the side of the building.

"Don't hurt Peter!" Harry yells at Otto as an afterthought. "He owes me twenty bucks!"

* * *

Peter strolls down the street when suddenly…a huge apartment fire springs up out of the middle of nowhere!

"Somebody help!" a random person yells.

"Fire!" someone else yells, like it isn't already obvious, what with the wall of fire fifty feet in the air. "Somebody call the fire department!"

"They haven't called the fire department yet?" the audience whispers. "That fire didn't just spring up in the last thirty seconds…"

Peter tries to withstand his darn desire to do good, but alas, he gives in. "Anybody in the building?" he asks a random man.

"We think there's a kid stuck on the second floor," the man says, because apparently he's had time to stand around chatting with the neighbors about who is or is not in the building, but not to call the fire department.

Peter runs into the building to become a hero, sans the hero gear. Inside the building he runs around a lot, guided by the screaming kid. "I'm coming!" he yells. Half the audience wonders whether this is going to be the green goblin reincarnated scene.

Peter tries to break the door in with his shoulder, but is unable to. What the heck? His body can withstand falling hundreds of feet but can't break in a stupid door?

Anyway, then Peter gets the kid out and some stuff happens where Peter hangs through a gaping hole in the floor through which fire is billowing. But no biggie. And then the kid pulls him up or something like that. Really, no idea how he supposedly got out of that fire.

Later, outside the building Peter breathes into an oxygen mask.

"You're a maniac, kid," a fireman tells him.

"Some poor soul got trapped on the fourth floor. Never made it out," another fireman says. "I blame it all on Spider-Man."

Peter looks incredibly guilty.

* * *

Suddenly the director makes an evil decision. "Hey, I know! Let's confuse everyone by putting in a scene about chocolate cake!"

"Chocolate cake? What's that got to do with Spider-Man?" ask random people standing around.

"Exactly! Bwahahahhaha!"

* * *

Peter is alone in his room talking to himself. "My life is so crappy. I'm friendless and broke. Plus somebody died in a fire and man, my lungs really burn. And if I was still Spider-Man I could have saved the dead person from the fire. I'm so confused. Am I not supposed to have what I want, what I need? What am I supposed to do?"

Suddenly his anorexic neighbor walks in. "Oh, I shouldn't have, without knocking."

She goes back out and knocks.

"Come in," Peter calls, thinking that perhaps she has the answer he's looking for.

"Um, I was just wondering…would you like a piece of chocolate cake?"

Peter stares at her. "Wait…is this really in the script?" He quickly thumbs through the script. "Hey, who stuck in this scene about chocolate cake?"

"And how about a glass of milk too?" she continues nervously, because Peter is obviously deviating from his lines.

"But what does it have to do with anything? It doesn't make any sense!"

"And some thick fudgy frosting?" she asks desperately, beginning to ad-lib in an attempt to get Peter back on track.

Peter puts down the script and sighs. "Well, I suppose so," he finally concedes. "Okay."

Peter eats his chocolate cake while his neighbor looks on. Obviously she's not eating any because duh, she's got an eating disorder.

He sighs contentedly. "That was really good. Thanks. It's too bad that this scene doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of the movie."

She sighs too. "Yeah. Oh, but I do have a note for you from your aunt."

"So why didn't you just give it to me in the first place?" he asks. "What the heck did this whole chocolate cake scene have to do with anything?"

"Bwahahahahaha!" laughs the director. "Bow to my genius!"

"Okay," says Peter, "but this really is the dumbest scene in the whole movie."

"I thought it was a good idea," says the director. "We had to do _something_ with that leftover cake from your birthday scene at the beginning. It's not like we could just throw it out, is it? Huh? Huh?"

"Give me the note and get out!" Peter says to his neighbor. "And take the psycho director with you. He's creeping me out."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Review! 


	5. Peter's Aftershave Lotion

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **What _is_ it with you people and the chocolate cake scene? All right, if it's so relevant, please enlighten me as to what it had to do with _anything_! At all! In what way did it further the plot, other than to get a note delivered from Aunt May? Maybe I'm missing something major here; I don't know.

**Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

* * *

**

**Peter's Aftershave Lotion**

Peter shows up at Aunt May's house. She's surrounded by tons of boxes.

"You're moving?" Peter accuses her. "Were you even going to give me your forwarding address?"

"Look, it's not like I raised you or anything," she says.

"You _did _raise me!"

"Oh, well. Let's not quibble over that. Anyway, they gave me another few weeks, but I decided to take the money I'll save by leaving early and buy myself a new Schwinn ten-speed."

"Why didn't you tell me? I just threw out my old banana seat."

She shrugs. "Oh, you never asked. Anyway, Henry Jackson is giving me a hand, and I'm giving him five dollars."

"Five dollars?"

Henry shrugs. "Plus whatever loose change I can find in the couch," he explains.

"Listen, about my last visit," Peter says to Aunt May.

"Let's not talk about it. It's water over the rainbow or in the toilet bowl or wherever you like it. But you made a brave move in telling me the truth, especially when my umbrella was within grabbing distance. I'm proud of you. And I thank you and I…I'm kind of busy right now. Can we talk later?"

"That's it?" Peter asks.

"Oh, and I love you, Peter. Even though I threw a fit and ran up the stairs and stuff."

"Hey Peter, I heard you and Spider-Man eat lunch together," Henry says.

"Yeah? So what?" Peter asks.

"What's up with him?"

Aunt May speaks up. "Henry and I agree. We don't see his picture in the paper often enough anymore."

"He gave up."

"Why?" Henry asks.

"Oh, wanted to pursue other things."

"Besides being a superhero?" Henry asks. "What an idiot."

"You'll never guess what Henry wants to be," Aunt May breaks in. "Come on, guess."

"Uh…Spider-Man?" Peter guesses.

Aunt May looks disappointed. "Oh, you guessed it."

"Well, why would he want to be Spider-Man?"

She gives him a look. "Peter, have a seat and prepare yourself for the Hero Talk. Blah blah blah and we all need to be heroes and you need to keep being Spider-Man. Even though officially I don't know that you're Spider-Man. But this talk I'm giving you sure makes it sound like I do."

"Yeah, weird," Peter says.

* * *

Later, on the way home, Peter makes a decision. "I know what will bring my Spider-Man superpowers back! Jumping off a building!"

Which is one of Peter's dumber ideas.

So anyway, he jumps off a building, yelling somewhat maniacally, "Woohoo! I'm back! I'm back!"

But then he falls hundreds of feet once again and slams into the pavement. For some reason he doesn't die. Who knows why.

He hobbles off. "My back! My back!"

Perhaps it was supposed to be funny. But I was just freaked out. Because…what the heck?

* * *

"Honey, you sure you don't want to invite your friend the photographer? Peter Parker?" the guy with the ears asks MJ.

"Positive," says MJ. "He was late for my play. Stupid jerk."

_Note to self: never be late for her play_, Big-ears thinks to himself. Aloud he says, "I thought he was your pal."

"Peter Parker?"

"Yeah."

"The one who takes pictures for the newspaper?"

"Yeah, the one you treat like crap," Ears clarifies.

"Oh, him. He's just a great big jerk who's always trying to do what's right. I can't stand that."

"The world's full of great big jerks."

"Well, don't worry. I don't care what anyone says about you."

"It's just the uniform."

"Yeah, I know, but still…hey, lean your head back for me."

"Put my head back?"

"Yeah, just do it."

"Just put my head back?"

"That's what I _said,_" MJ says impatiently.

"Okay."

MJ kisses Ears.

"Wow, I'm back on the moon," he says after a moment. "You up there with me?"

MJ looks disturbed. Clearly she has made a disturbing discovery: Astronaut-guy isn't as good a kisser as Spider-Man! Or even Peter Parker!

* * *

So Mary Jane takes action. She waits in a cafe with a funny hat and an enormous ugly ring on her finger. Well, and she's wearing clothes too. Although she appears to have forgotten her bra when she got up that morning.

"Hiya," Peter says nonchalantly, taking a seat across from her.

"Surprised?" MJ asks.

"Well, not really. Women have been falling all over me since I got the spot in the Mentos commercial."

MJ looks disappointed. "Oh. Well, thanks for coming."

"So whaddya want?"

"Well, you're gonnna laugh. This is really funny."

"Oh, a joke? I'm not much for jokes," Peter says.

"You know how our minds play tricks on us?"

"Yeah, like me sitting in my bedroom having a conversation with my dead uncle?" Peter asks. Then he notices MJ giving him a strange look and closes his mouth.

"Um, no. That's not what I meant. But anyway, my mind did a real number on me. I thought I could marry Jon, but he doesn't kiss as well as you. So I was

wondering –"

"Well, sorry. You're too late. You've missed your golden window of opportunity. I've decided to become unreliable again."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying it's over. Even if Jon's a bad kisser, I'm not bailing you out this time."

"Look, do you love me or not?"

"Well, not really. But remember that Spanish monk I was telling you about? I think he's still available –"

"Kiss me," MJ demands.

"Man, what _is_ it with women falling all over me lately? It must be my new aftershave lotion."

"Come _on._ I need to know if you're really a better kisser than Jon. Just one kiss, I promise."

"Well…okay. But only because you asked nicely."

Suddenly a car comes crashing through the window, and apparently Peter's Spidey senses are not totally defunct, because he is aware of it and grabs MJ in this cool spiral dive that probably wouldn't have worked anywhere but in the movies.

Oh, and apparently Otto forgot Harry's warning not to hurt Peter, or he wouldn't have thrown a car at him.

Otto seems angry. After a moment we find out why. "Peter Parker. And the _girlfriend_."

"Oh, c'mon, Otto. Don't be jealous," Peter cajoles.

"It's over, Peter," Otto says shortly.

"Well, whaddya want, then?"

"I understand you and Spider-Man eat chocolate cake together. Tell him to meet me at the Westside Tower at three o'clock."

Peter folds his arms. "What's in it for me?"

"What do you want, a brownie button? Get him there or I'll do really bad things to the girl with the funny hat."

"If you lay one finger on her…"

"You'll what?"

"I don't know. But it had the beginnings of a pretty good threat, didn't it?"

Otto throws Peter into the wall and half the building falls on him. MJ screams annoyingly and is carried off by Ock.

Meanwhile Peter, the boy without the strength to force a door with his shoulder, throws off all the piles of crap that fell on him with one mighty shove and runs outside. Oh, his vision's gone back to normal again, so he tosses the glasses. They lose a lense. Hopefully he's not gonna need those in the future…although if he did, I'm sure they would end up magically in his desk drawer again.

* * *

Over in Mr. Jameson's office, people talk. The Spidey suit is hanging on the wall.

"Sorry, Jonah, your son's fiancé is still MIA. But don't beat yourself up over it. It's not like it's your fault Spider-Man's not around to save her. Oh, wait. It is."

"Spider-Man was a hero…I just couldn't see it!" Mr. Jameson laments. "You know, deep down I always really liked the guy. Great taste in clothes, and color coordinated too. Why was I so hard on him? Why –"

There's a flash of sound while Peter whips in the window in full view of Robbie and Hoffman and steals the Spidey suit. But somehow they don't see him. _That's_ how fast Peter is! Ha!

Mr. Jameson freaks out. "He's a thief! He stole his own Spider-Man suit back from me! He's a menace to the entire city! Just think what else he's out stealing right now!"

"Other Spider-Man suits?" Robbie guesses.

"I'll see you in court, Spider-Man!" Mr. Jameson yells.

* * *

Peter shows up at the Westside Tower to have a little tête-à-tête with Otto.

"Where's my girlfriend?" he demands.

"The girl with the funny hat?" Otto clarifies.

"And the ugly ring," Peter confirms.

"She'll be just fine. Let's talk."

Peter is insulted. "How dare you suggest talking! Take that!" He and Ock/Otto wrestle a bit. Somehow they end up on a train.

Ock grabs random people and throws them around. Peter, being the quick-thinking and resourceful hero that he is, saves their lives by throwing out random spider-webs.

"Curses! You've foiled my evil plan to kill random people on the subway," Ock rages. "Well, _here's_ something you won't be able to fix!" He breaks the brakes.

"Help! Help, I can't stop! The brakes are gone!" the conductor screams.

"I _knew_ I should have taken auto mechanics in high school!" Peter grumbles.

He gets something in his eyes and takes the mask off. Then his super Spider-Man vision kicks in and he sees twenty miles down the track things are going to get a little messy.

"Tell everyone to hang on!" he yells at the conductor. Then he tries to use his feet as brakes. It works for the Flintstones, right?

It doesn't work for Peter.

"Any more bright ideas, dummy?" the conductor asks.

Peter gives him a look. "Oh, great idea, insulting the man who's trying to save your life. You know, I've got other things I could be doing right now. I'm missing my soap for this."

"Sorry," the conductor mutters.

Peter's next bright idea involves ripping the front off of several buildings.

The conductor doesn't say anything, even though he probably wants to.

Anyway, then Peter grunts and yells a lot and stops the train. He faints, but people catch him. And either his skin is really spongy, or his suit's padded. Really padded.

Peter pretends he's in a mosh pit.

"Nice and easy, put him down."

Peter is lowered to the floor.

"Is he alive?"

"He's…just a…kid. No older than my son. Wait a minute…he _is_ my son!" a random man says.

"He is not," someone accuses.

"Well, okay. You're right," the man admits.

Peter wakes up to find bunches of people staring down at him. "What're you looking at?" he asks. "Do I have a zit?"

Some kids show up with his mask, and apparently they cleaned it too, because now Peter can see with it on again.

"Don't worry, we won't tell anyone that you're Spider-Man," everyone assures him.

"Good," Peter says. "I don't know what my insurance company would say."

Suddenly Ock is back. "He's mine!"

"No way. It's over between us," Peter tells him.

"Yeah. You wanna get to him, you gotta go through me," says practically everyone on the train, jumping in front of Peter.

"Well, okay." So Ock shoves everyone aside and Peter gets knocked out.

* * *

Over at the Osborn mansion, Ock can't just use the front door like any civilized evil villain. No, he's gotta come up the side of the building.

"Where do you want him?" He tosses a bound Spider-Man onto a couch. "Now hand over the tritium!"

Harry opens a safe and Ock knocks him out of the way. "Yes! Now I can finally finish my plan to blow up the city!" He takes off.

Meanwhile, Harry is fondling his knife again. "If only I could cause you the pain you've caused me. First we'll see who's behind the mask. I want to look into your eyes…deep into your eyes…"

_Man, I've got to change this aftershave lotion, _Peter thinks to himself.

Harry rips off Peter's mask, then stumbles back in shock. "Pete! No, it can't be!"

Peter jumps up and rips off whatever's binding him, making the audience wonder why he didn't just do it before. I mean, if a maniacal Harry advancing on you with a knife in his hands isn't enough to freak a person out, then what is?

"Hey, buddy! How's it going?" Peter asks, trying to be nonchalant.

Harry seems dazed.

"So do you know where he's keeping MJ? 'Cause he kidnapped her and threatened to turn her into filet mignon."

"No, that's not it," Harry explains. "He just wanted some more tritium so he could have another go at blowing up the city."

"Tritium! He's making the machine again!"

"I know. I just said that."

"But she could die! And half of New York too, but who cares about them. I must save Mary Jane or my male ego will feel unfulfilled! Where is she?"

"Okay, wait a minute. We're losing focus on the _real _issue here. Peter, you killed my father."

Peter folds his arms. "There are bigger things happening here than me and you and my aftershave lotion, Harry. Please, I've got to stop him."

"You've been watching too much daytime TV, Pete," Harry informs him.


	6. If Only MJ Died Instead of Ock

**Another Spider-Man 2 Parody**

**BY LARGEMARGE**

**Author's Note: **This is it! Don't get scared now.

**Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

* * *

**

**If Only MJ Died Instead of Ock**

Over at Ock's evil secret hideout, he's preparing to blow the city – er, to create fusion. Behind him Mary Jane watches and whistles at him.

_Ooh boy, you still got it, _Otto congratulates himself.

Then MJ starts yelling. "Hey! Yeah, you! I've gotta make a play in, like, twenty minutes. So let me go, okay?"

"Nice try, but...no. And did I mention Spider-Man's dead?Yep, dead as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead."

"He's not dead!" MJ shrieks, overcome at the very thought. "I don't believe you. Not with lips like those..."

"Well, believe whatever you want. Just don't bug me while I'm working on the Large Machine of Death."

Out of the corner of his eye, Otto/Ock sees Spider-Man creeping on the walls. Strangely, he does not seem surprised in the least, despite just declaring the impossibility of his survival. _Aha! He's not dead! I knew it! _

Meanwhile, Peter surprises MJ and begins to untie her.

"Oh, good. You're still alive," MJ says. "I _knew_ you were too good of a kisser to be dead that easily. Hey, do me a favor, will you?"

"I _am!_" Peter says urgently, still trying to untie her.

"Oh, I meant besides that. Will you kiss me? I just want to know if you're a better kisser than my fiancé –"

Then Ock attacks Peter, cutting the conversation short. MJ screams a lot more than the situation calls for.

"Ha! I knew Harry wouldn't have the guts to do you in," Ock rages. "Which means _I'm_ gonna have to do it. Like I don't have enough to do already!"

"Shut it down, Ock! " Peter yells in his macho Spider-Man voice. "Or you'll kill more people that I'll be unable to save, and it'll just mean more counseling bills for me. I just can't afford that!" Once again, his jaw does not move.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Ock informs him.

"Fine then," Peter says. "For your own sake, I hope you've been working out."

They fight for a while. Oh, and did I meantion MJ's not wearing a bra? Metal stuff starts flying towards the fusion thingy. So does MJ, and it's because of the metal shackles around her feet, not the metal plate in her head.

In a dramatic turn of events, Peter rescues MJ from becoming fusion food and deposits her safely on the ground. "Run!" he yells at her.

She doesn't run. Instead, she decides to hit Ock with a piece of wood. Brilliant.

Of course it doesn't work and MJ gets smacked around a bit. Then, thankfully, we don't see her or her bright ideas for a while.

Suddenly Ock's pointy knife thingy is back, as is his desire to turn Peter into superhero shish kebob. "Ha! You won't get away from me this time!" he vows. "Especially since that random umbrella-toting old lady is nowhere around!"

However, Peter _does_ get away, and Ock gets electrocuted. Again.

Peter, meanwhile, pulls the plug on the whole fusion operation thing. However, the fusion thingy doesn't stop, but continues to grow in intensity in preparation for blowing up the city.

In an effort to reach Otto, Peter takes off his Spidey mask and kneels in front of him. "Hey Otto, how's it going?" he asks while Otto regains consciousness.

"Peter Parker!" Otto recognizes him. "Brilliant but lazy! Hey, what's up?"

"Well, let me explain." Peter pauses. "No, there is too much. Let me sum up. See, this big fusion thingy over here's about to blow. Help me destroy it."

Otto turns obstinate and grabs Peter around the throat in the Mighty Grip of Death. "No way, man! Do you know how long I've been working on that thing? Plus I held up a bank and stuff! We can't just destroy it, just like that!"

"You once spoke to me about intelligence. That it was a gift to be used for the good of mankind."

Otto groans. "Not that stupid moral again! We've already been over this!"

Peter wheezes. "Sometimes to do what's right we have to give up what we really want, like me and MJ."

"The girl with the funny hat?" Otto clarifies.

"Right."

Otto finally releases Peter from the Grip of Death. "Oh, fine. If that's how it's got to be. I'll go destroy the stupid thing. Just doesn't seem fair, though, that I spent the whole movie making it." He goes off, grumbling, to destroy the fusion thingy.

Peter turns around to see MJ gazing at him with the Stare of Stunned Disbelief. They exchange some meaningful glances until a wall starts to fall on MJ.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Peter screams dramatically, because the audience wouldn't have known the full extent of his feelings otherwise.

Mary Jane is totally inept at getting out of the way. In fact, she doesn't even try to. Anyone else feel like braining her? Personally, I was hoping the wall would fall on her and turn her into mashed potatoes.

Peter jumps in front of the wall and holds it up. While he's just standing there, he decides to have a completely irrelevant conversation with Mary Jane.

"Hey, what's happening?" he asks.

"Not much. Gee, you're really strong…" she notices.

"Yeah, this is really heavy," Peter agrees, grunting and groaning a lot to keep the two of them from being turned into pancakes.

Over at the fusion thingy, Otto's tearing the thing down and sending it into the river.

"MJ, in case we die…" Peter wheezes.

"I know…you still owe me twenty bucks. It's okay."

"No, not that," he gasps out.

"What then?"

"There's something I have to tell you…"

"What is it?"

"I'm….Spider-Man," he wheezes.

"Oh. But I already knew that," she points out.

"Oh, fine. Are you going to make me say it?"

"Say what?" she asks in confusion.

"That I love you!" he yells.

"You _do_?" MJ blushes. "Even though you said you didn't?"

"Well, yeah. That was just a lame attempt to carry on the romantic suspense for a few minutes longer."

Over in the river, Otto sends the machine plunging deep into the water and vows aloud, "I will _not_ die a monster!"

Actually, he will, but why quibble over a little thing like that?

Peter throws off the wall with superhero strength and pulls MJ out of the rubble so they can go build a creepy spider's web.

Oh, and Otto/Ock dies. Presumably.

* * *

Over at the creepy web, Peter and Mary Jane stare at each other a lot. 

"Guess what?" she asks. "I always knew who you really were. All this time. I was just playing along for the sake of the movies."

"Really?" he asks. "Then you know why we can't be together. Because…well, I don't really know. That part of the plot has never really made sense to me."

She puts a hand on his arm. "It's okay. I understand." She tears up. "But could you get me a tissue?"

Then he lowers her to the ground via his wrist-web and she makes out with Jameson again. Who has big ears, have I pointed out?

* * *

**Part Two of Return of the Dead Guys:**

Back at his mansion, Harry fondles his knife and thinks about Peter and his aftershave lotion. Suddenly…he hears a noise!

"Bwahahahahahahaha!"

Yep, that laugh was definitely hard to miss. He'd heard something, all right.

"Bwahahahahahahaha!"

"Who is it?" Harry asks, frightened. "Who's there?"

"Son, it's me!" Harry's dad appears in the Mirror of Insanity.

"Dad? I thought you were dead! Peter killed you!"

"No, I'm alive in the mirror, Harry. Anytime you need to talk to me, just come back here and we can have a little heart to heart. Now, let's get down to business. You swore you'd kill Spider-Man and avenge my death, and here you've let Peter go! What were you thinking?"

Harry shrugs. "But Peter's my bestest friend in the whole world! How can I kill him?"

"Use the _knife_, Harry," his father tells him impatiently. "Oh, you were weak. You were always weak. And you always _will_ be weak until you kill Peter Parker! Be strong, Harry! Avenge me!"

"Nooooo!" Harry yells at the mirror before breaking it in. "I'm not Hamlet!"

Behind the mirror Harry discovers the Secret Green Goblin Lair. Which is kinda creepy, but he hangs out there for a little while anyway. What can this mean for the next movie? _Dun dun_ _dun_!

* * *

Over at Mary Jane and JonBoy's wedding, MJ looks really depressed. Besides that, her bridesmaids are wearing black. That's just asking for some kind of trouble. 

Meanwhile, in the chapel, everyone waits for MJ to come walking down the aisle, but instead a black-clad bridesmaid comes running in with a note for the pseudo-groom. He reads it and looks ticked off.

"Call Debra," Mr. Jameson whispers to his wife.

"The caterer?" she asks, confused.

"Tell her not to open the peanuts."

* * *

Mary Jane runs through a park in her wedding dress, which, incidentally, looks like another Mentos commercial. 

Up in his apartment, Peter's sitting on his bed with the door open, staring depressingly out of the window. And it's certainly lucky MJ's not throwing a car or anything at him, because for some reason he didn't hear her come up behind him.

So anyway, then Peter finally notices Mary Jane standing there. He jumps. "Whoa, you scared the crap out of me." He notices the wedding dress. "Say, don't you have somewhere to be right now?"

"Just my wedding, but that's no big deal," she tells him. "Actually, I just ran out on Jon. And not just because he's a terrible kisser."

"Then why?" Peter asks out of curiosity.

She shrugs. "Peter. I can't survive without you. As often as I get kidnapped by evil villains, I need you around to keep saving me all the time. In the name of self-preservation, I've run out on Jon."

"Okay, but you should know Mr. Jameson's the only one who'll buy my pictures. When he finds out you ran out on his son for _me_…I'm just saying, he probably won't want to buy any of my pictures from now on, so you're gonna have to support us. Which is good for _me_, cause then I won't have to miss my afternoon soap..."

MJ interrupts. "Can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? Even though I'm totally inept at getting away from evil villains, I _can_decide for myself who I want to marry. Oh, and just so you know, I am _definitely _not living in this hellhole of an apartment. My place is _way _nicer."

"Um, okay,"

"So here I am, standing in your doorway. I've _always_ been standing in your doorway."

Peter pauses to consider. "Well, only if by always you mean, at best, the last year."

She sighs with frustration. "Okay, _fine!_ So I haven't always been standing in your doorway! I was hoping you would just forget the first movie ever happened."

"Okay," Peter finally says. "So can we make out now? Because you know that's the only reason the audience is still here."

They kiss, but they're interrupted by a police siren.

Peter looks torn.

"Oh, don't worry about me," she tells him. "I'll just be here packing up your stuff." She turns away from him but Peter doesn't move.

"Well?" he asks impatiently. "Are you going to say it?"

She folds her arms. "Do I _have_ to?"

"Say it," Peter demands.

She sighs. "But it's the stupidest line of the whole movie! Well, apart from that whole chocolate cake scene, I mean. Oh, all right." There's a small pause while she takes a breath, then says, "…go get 'em, tiger."

Peter flies off happily, while MJ runs to the window to watch with a melancholy look on her face.

"What a stupid line to end on," she mutters to herself.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks again to everyone who has kindly reviewed! Hope I haven't permanently offended any Spider-Man fans. 


End file.
